Letting Go Of The "Love" Expectation

Dear You,

I’m writing this letter to you for a number of reasons; which I will explain to you in a few moments. There’s a secret I’ve been keeping from you for some time now, and while I always wanted to share it with you, I was always afraid of what would happen if I ever told you; let alone spoke it out loud. But things are different for me now. This secret and I have spent so much time together, that now I know it’s time to let it be free. That no matter what happens, at least you know how I felt without any expectations attached to it. So, here it goes.

I’ve known you most of my whole life. It’s odd really, because as kids we didn’t seem to really like each other. Then, one summer, you didn’t come to visit; which turned into one summer after another. While I don’t recall how many summers had gone by, I wondered from time to time, how you were, and what you were up to. I even wrote you a few letters to try and keep in touch, but it seems you never got them. Then, one day you showed up at the door and it was like nothing ever happened. We seemed to have a connection that wasn’t there before. It was as if we had been best friends our whole lives. Odd, but I never questioned it. As the years went by, you came here to visit, and I went to you for a visit. The way all friends do.

I recall one night, on our way home from a gay bar, that we were talking about how long we had known each other. I confided in you that some folks thought we were a couple, and others asked if we had ever dated or even ever thought about it. We both laughed at the thought because; for me, it was something I had never gave any thought to. We had both agreed that our friendship was more important to us, and that we didn’t want to risk losing that over a relationship. I have to confess though, that conversation stayed with me for a very long time. Because for the first time in my life, I thought about what my life would be like if you weren’t in it; but in a different way of thinking.

I considered telling you my secret many times, but was afraid that we would feel awkward towards each other. That some kind of barrier would go up and conversations would be forced or non-existent, and I didn’t want that to happen. Since that conversation though, I began to look at you in a different way. Instead of seeing you as a best friend, I began seeing you as best friend who I wondering what life would be like if we dated, and eventually became lovers… together forever. But my fear has kept me from sharing this secret with you; because what if………

I’ve talked to a few friends about this secret and some have called me selfish for not telling you; while others have said I would be crazy for telling you. Then, one day, I was talking to a friend about it, and she made some really good points that I had never considered before. By not telling you how I’ve feel, I am holding back the best part of me. And who knows, maybe you have felt the same way, but were afraid to say it first. The really important thing I had to work on was the what if scenario. It was then, that I realized that I had expectations, and strings attached to this secret; and it was the reason why I had been hanging out on to it for so long. Once my friend pointed this out to me, I had to work on some things first, before I could maybe someday tell you how I felt. That day has finally come.

Even though I don’t have an exact date or moment when my love for you turned into something more, I just know that one day, I realized that I loved you more than a friend. I love you; even with all your personal baggage, because it’s what makes you so special. I’ve seen you at your worst, and I’ve seen you at your best, and everything in between. We’ve had some really rough conversations, and we’ve had some really bizarre and hilarious conversations. All of this goes without saying that you have witnessed me at my worst and best as well.

While we are miles apart and there are times when we don’t get to talk for a period of time, you are always on my mind. I didn’t want another day to go by without you knowing just how I feel about you. All I have left to offer you is this, you are free to do what you please with this little secret I have been carrying around with me for years. There are no strings attached, nor any expectations that I put upon you. If you feel the same way, I only hope that you can find the courage to say so. Otherwise, I hope that we can still maintain the same friendship we have always had through the years.

There is one last thing that I want to share with you, and that’s this… I wouldn’t be sending you this letter if I felt that I had any expectations and/or hopes of there being an “us”. I am at a place in my life where I feel it is important to tell the people in my life just how much they mean to me. I’ve had a lot of practice with this now, and the one thing that took awhile to finally understand is not to expect people to feel the same way, or to attach any strings to it (meaning that I would have some kind of condition attached it; like not wanting to talk to them anymore). I will continue to love you like I always have…. unconditionally. At least, that is how I try to love all the people in my life.

Sincerely,

Yours
Originally created 5/16/10